If you wanted a song written about you, all you had to do was ask.

I'm throwing away pictures that I never should have taken in the first place
And it's cold in my apartment as I'm changing all the colors
From the brightest reds to grays
Well it's 3 o'clock on Monday morning
I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face
I've been getting calls in these hotel rooms
Long enough to know that it was him that took my place




It's officially been a year since the break-up. Anyone who knows me at all knows exactly what I'm talking about. The fact that this date, August 31st, is significant to me is simultaneously empowering and pathetic. Pathetic perhaps that I dwell on a such a date and that it took such an event for me to grow as a person, but as far as I'm concerned, any catalyst is just as legitimate as the next.

I'm not sure where I would be if things hadn't fallen into place as they had the past year. I cannot help but wonder how things could have potentially been different or where I would be if we were still together. But in any case, I feel that I have been somewhat empowered. I've learned much about myself and really started to understand what it means to grow as a result of struggle. In all honesty, it's difficult to face the fact that my future is not as sure as it was when I was with him. For example, I'd probably be moving to Kansas City to go to law school and getting married soon if things had unfolded differently. That level of stability is certainly missed. I'm only being honest here. It's my blog ... I do what I want! I don't think what I'm saying here is indicative of any sort of deep-rooted unresolved feelings, but instead a lot of self-reflection and evaluation.



And I hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And I hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts




It's a little sad to admit, but I feel like he really took a part of me with him. I was a heinous bitch a year ago (a selfish, insecure, unstable heinous bitch ... if we're going to call names and get really specific here), it's true and I definitely feel I have left a lot of that behind, a lot of my motivation has dwindled. I used to be so passionate about things and now it seems that I am very apathetic. I don't mean to be, but for so long I was told not to feel because my feelings were exclusively misery, malice, and pain. I couldn't listen to my heart--my heart was telling me to lock myself in my room and cry for days on end. I did that sometimes, but life doesn't stop just because you feel like your heart has. I had to train my mind to control my actions. You lose emotion that way, including happiness. And I started to associate happiness with sadness, because you cannot experience one without the other ... as a consequence, I just stopped feeling. I cried every day for months. Literally, months. I was sick of the headaches and stuffy noses.

It wasn't a phase. It wasn't something to get over. It wasn't something time would just take care of for me. It was shitty and there is no other way to describe what happened. I screwed up really bad and he left. But I really did love him and he was right: I didn't appreciate him until it was too late. I learned the hard way that you can't change someone's heart and sometimes there is no explanation for the way people treat you. I learned that trust is valuable and something to be earned. I learned that you can choose to mentally strengthen yourself to guard against painful experiences if you only have the desire. I learned that sometimes you will be alone, sitting in your room listening to Jimmy Eat World with nothing but painful memories and "I'm sorry"s that were never vocalized to the person you felt needed to hear them. I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes, which is the hardest thing for me (especially because I am such a perfectionist).




And I'm burning all the letters
Hoping that I might forget her and the bad taste
That she left when she was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as she walked
Out of this place




I wouldn't change it.
It took me so long to get to this point, but I'm here.



And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and I changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge and I cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse




I am on a more admirable quest to discover myself and learn how to love others more than myself. Even if I fall short sometimes, I am learning and I would never have looked so closely at myself if this hadn't happened.




And I'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And I don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home





I realized that I made mistakes, too. I stopped running from them and made a pact with my soul to face them, dress the wounds and let them heal slowly. I am taking life slowly, with less desire for control over every detail, and have finally kept my own needs and desires in mind. Sure, it still hurts sometimes, and I've got plenty of work to do in the "me" department, but I'll probably always be under construction.








Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
I knew it would. . .
I knew it would. . .

Back to school. Back to school. To prove to my dad that I'm not a fool.

I woke up to my alarm clock blaring at 7:30 this morning (though I did hit snooze twice). I reluctantly rolled out of bed, did the morning routine of hygiene and beauty, donned my three-year old green back-pack, and drove to school.

I'm a five-year college student today.
Which makes me a second year senior, I think. I'm not really sure.

I'm graduating in May. I don't know where life will take me post-graduation, but I think I'm continuing my education when I'm done.
The important thing is that I'm starting school this year ready to make good grades, study, and do something right for once.

I went in to Larson's office to see how things are going for the debate team. I guess it hasn't quite hit me yet that I am not competing this year. Things have changed. William Jewell doesn't have LD this year and Webster isn't hosting a tournament, either. Damn. I'm going to miss the team, the competition, and the extra work. But alas, I will find a new focus and motivator, and I think it might actually be myself this time.

Wish me luck!

Recently, I've started talking with three specific individuals who caused a great deal of pain and turmoil in my life as a college student.

Within the last year, I've realized that life is far too short to burn bridges and lack forgiveness.

People screw up. The important thing is all three of these people have had the courage to send me some sort of direct apology, via the internet or the telephone. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit mistakes and to right the wrongs and pain you have caused someone. I would be a sad, pathetic, and ridiculous human being if I could not forgive these people.

I don't like to move forward with my life with grudges intact. There are a few people who I have wronged, also. I can only hope that one day they will accept my apology. There are no hard feelings from me toward any of these people.